It became the most beautiful surface I've ever laid hands on.
Then, I sat at it.
Maybe it was the fact that the chair was too low, or the fact that my mentor teacher was across from me, but an odd feeling swept over me.
I felt like a kid sitting in the teacher's desk.
I didn't think: Wow, this is my desk. This is my class.
It sounded more like: Wow, this is a cool desk for someone who teaches.
I'm starting to realize I have no idea what I'm doing... Well, I have LOTS of ideas. However, that's all I have. No experience. Little confidence. Lots of tension and anxiety.
I'm not good at expressing it... I've mastered faking confidence when I know I'll need it soon. I'm not afraid of the kids, of being disrespected in any way. I'm afraid I'll be that teacher that made me decide to teach.. the kind I whined about in earlier posts.
I don't care if the kids like me.. I'm a like-able person, that'll come naturally. I just want to help them see the world differently.. In creeps the panic. Thoughts cross my mind, thoughts like, If I just want them to see the world better, maybe I should I have been an optometrist. I want to help them discover literature, new ways of analyzing information. I want them to understand the value of presentation; of oneself and one's work. If anything, I want my students to leave with the same attitude that I had at my high school graduation: "I can do anything I want."
The problem I'm struggling with is.. nobody had to tell me that. My mother gave me what I needed to do well in school, and that attitude was watered by my achievement. It was reinforced by others' confidence in me.
What am I going to do with these students whose parents haven't equipped them with the books they need to engage them with reading? What if no one has ever told them they can be anything they want?
Is it too late to switch schools? How much is tuition at the Southern College of Optometry?
Panic.. Optimistic (Not optometristic) panic.
