I've fully convinced myself that if I don't do something soon, I'm going to roll into full-fledged bitch mode. I've romanced the thought that maybe I'm a psychopath (thanks to a riveting episode of House), but I'm not completely devoid of emotion yet. Figured that out when I cried over Cameron getting killed. (Another blog, another day.)
I have, however, established that something is wrong. I no longer get angry at anyone. I don't get excited about or fear anything anything I used to. I've started to simply mimic the emotions of the people around me. If they're pissed off, I'm pissed off. They're in a goofy mood? So am I. It's like I'm walking around on autopilot.. but the people closest to me are captain.
My emotional state isn't my only malleable facet. I'm also starting to shape shift into whatever I think people see me as. I'm being myself; the problem is, I have a lot of selves. If someone sees me as innocent and naive, that's the kk I play. If I think they see me as assertive, I go toe to toe with them on whatever. I'm an asshole to the assholes, and a sweetheart to the ones who send smiley faces after all of their phrases. I AM an asshole and I AM a sweetheart. Problem is I don't know how to be more than just either, to any given person, at any given time.
This is where the bitch thing comes in at. Since I become whatever I'm seen as, there's a manipulative property involved. I'm playing the role into which I'm cast. I may "ad lib" shit into my "lines" that may or may not make the "play" better. I've realized this and been telling myself it's cool because ad libs or no, it's nobody out there like me. I'm interesting. It's not like it takes work to pull off this manipulation. It's glib. (That, plus the emotional imitation, is the definition of psychopathy.) At the expense of being an individual, I've sacrificed doing and saying the things my naturally lame self would. I'm not "trying" to be "cool." A handful of people decided I was, so, thats's the niche I tripped into.
I find manipulation to be fun at first. Making a dude fall for you because you have all the right answers, know the right lyrics, and read the right books is cool. Especially since I just happen to do/have all that. I've never faked anything, just started to hide too much of who I am, deep down.
What I miss is the nerdy Kela. The one who got stank face looks when she was tacky (and really thought it matched.) The one who knew random facts (a golf ball is 1.2 inches in diameter, did you know that?). The Kela who wore glasses and didn't HAVE to have her eyebrows arched. The Kela who didn't like the assholy cute guys with the nice bodies, but rather the geeky,smart guy with a bright future. She didn't curse, and woulda thrown up at one shot of gin. She's still there, under the surface, and even visits when I'm with my family. I want to reintroduce her to the world. The smart mouthed sexy bitch has been sitting in her seat long enough.
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