On to the Next One

...Sounds so harsh. I don't mean for it to, but it's the best title for this blog considering the theme.

I heard Break Even by the Script as it came on my John Mayer Pandora station. I've heard the song a million times before, but this time, I really listened:

I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing

Just praying to a god that I don't believe in

Cause I got time while she got freedom

Cause when a heart breaks no it don't break even

Her best days will be some of my worst

She finally met a man that's gonna put her 1st

While I'm wide awake she's no trouble sleeping

Cause when a heart breaks no it don't breakeven

What am I suppose to do when the best part of me was always you

What am I suppose to say when I'm all choked up and you're ok

I'm falling to pieces

I'm falling to pieces

They say bad things happen for a reason

But not wise words gonna stop the bleeding

Cause she's moved on while I'm still grieving

Cause when a heart breaks no it don't breakeven

I really felt for him for the first time.

I had no regrets, but I just felt bad. I've never really been dumped. Rejected? Definitely. I've not ever been dropped from a relationship in which I was invested.

I do have a heart. I honestly didn't think I did. (see here) One of my exes called me a RoboCop. I can take that. I don't experience any emotion deeply. Sympathy is the most difficult. I hate for people to feel sorry for me, so I struggle with pity.

One thing that scares me about myself is my skill at instant detachment. I don't get my feelings hurt because I've usually committed an emotional retreat before a guy I like has the ability to hurt my feelings. Notice I didn't say hurt me. My feelings and my "me" are two separate entities.

I feel for the guy. However, I know I made the right decision. As my girl Duffy would say: "I know it's wrong/hanging on too long."

I'm fine with a clean break, but I'm not ready to be anyone else's girlfriend. Problem is, that's all I know how to be. The malignancy of this causes a painful pull on my heart, and I try to self-medicate. The prescription? Flirting, random dates, and clubbing. When deep down...

...I just want to make out, with cuddling as a segue into the best.... sleep I know.

I've got to learn how to date myself. I like me pretty well, so this should be interesting.

Cheers to upcoming nights spent with self, being wooed with wine, and becoming a somebody somebody can love.