"That she wants him at all is problematic...

...but Shakespeare never said love had to be reasonable."

This was originally said about Helena's love for Parolles, and by someone who's never heard of me, nor cares about my delicate heart.

Okay, my heart's not that delicate. At least, I pretend it's not.

It's still a little dingy from my last relationship. I have yet to figure out how to PURGE it of all leftover emotions, all lingering questions and all bitter resentment. A big help was the epiphany that I don't miss him; I just miss being in love. As soon as I'm in love again, the purge will be complete. My desire to be rid of these emotions, questions, and resentment has been pushing me to strongly desire things and people in which I otherwise would only have a mild curiosity.

In contrast to my nightmarish struggle with my past, I also enjoy the occasional jaunt of an idealistic daydream of a hopeful future; i.e., I have a huge crush. I mean I realllly like this guy. But for one reason or another, I should not. It is a HUGE problem for me to want this guy. Want a list?

1. I know good and well I'm not ready to be someone's girlfriend.

2. I don't have time to dedicate to a better half.

3. Although I feel closure with my last relationship, missing that element is still clouding my vision.

4. This guy is in the wrong place for me to like him. Figuratively and literally.

5. He sends so many mixed signals, I'm not sure if the feeling is mutual.

6. I could see him breaking my heart. I used to think he was just a jerk, but in reality, he's just so mature that he's not out to appease, or do anything he doesn't really want to do. Therefore, I'm disposable (as the case should be for single young people).

When I think about what I want from him, it feels like someone's squeezing my heart. Heart-wrenching. I fantasize about being happy with him, and giving him the things he says he misses from his last relationship. It's so silly, because I know that this is mostly about the chase. I'm usually bonkers over guys who kinda ignore me and are very vague about what they want from me. They're in such contrast from the rest of my interactions with people, those who blow my head up about how great I supposedly am. As soon as they're no longer a source of keeping me down-to-Earth, I'm done.

All I know is, I want him, despite all logic. Crushes are cool at first, but this one has been building up for over a year. It's going to end up crushing me, I can tell.

Only thing that's going to fix this is prayer.

Written to the tune of:

Don't Worry Baby x Beach Boys

Chasing Cars x Snow Patrol