Never Change

Hipster Belle

It feels like so much is trying to lately.

The reason I keep my journals from middle and high school is because there are foundational things about myself that I don't want to change.

When people wrote in my yearbook 9th grade, many of them wrote the cliche: "Don't change for anyone" or "Always stay yourself" or whatever. What I noticed, though, was in addition to the cliche, there was also some sort of emphasis on the comments. Either all caps, or underlining, or circling, or multiple exclamation points.

There are ten of these comments, and all ten of them have some variation of the person implying that they really meant what they were writing.

The teenage me had the right idea about so much. My cognitive growth has developed in reverse. When it came to people and relationships, I thought like more of an adult as a preteen than I do now. Not to say I think like a teenager now, but just that I wish I still looked at the world and people the way I did then. Examples:

1. When I was a teenager, if I had a problem with someone, I wouldn't engage in arguing with them, or text wars. I would write them a letter. It made so much sense; I could express myself calmly and without interruption. It also allowed my feelings to be expressed as they were, sans the influence of the person's reaction. Nowadays, I ignore people. I just stop talking to them altogether. This makes them hate me. It creates a rift because I feel like I've done nothing [wrong]. My logic is, if you cared about me, you wouldn't have done whatever it was to make me stop talking to you in the first place. When you treat me as if you don't want to be my friend, I give you what you want. I don't see anyone's argument for me erasing them; I don't do so without concrete justification. However, there's a better way to handle this. Guess I'm going to start writing letters again.

2. I never followed trends. I mean, never. I dressed from the thrift store. If I did follow a trend, it was something that had been in style in some previous time period, that could be worn in any era, i.e., a classic. When it came to fashion, I had my own mind. When plaid was in style: That whole "hipster" thing that's in style now, that was me as a kid, except I wasn't part of a group that was trying to be different. I just was, by myself. I wore Saucony's because of the cool colors. I got checked daily, but didn't care. Next thing I knew, Saucony's were on everyone's feet, but I'd moved on to Vans.

I had a great group of friends, but not even they understood my rebellion against trends. My independent mind didn't stop at fashion. Peer pressure of no sort worked on me. Most people in my circle smoked, drank alcohol, had sex, and/or drove their cars REALLY fast. I chose to do none, and never questioned myself. I knew what I wanted and what I did not want out of my life. I questioned the judgment of those around me. As an adult, I still don't follow fashion trends, but I find myself being influenced in other ways. Nothing as drastic as the peer pressure of high school. More like the decisions that seem minute, but are more telling than one may think, e.g., I go hang out when I really feel tired. I go home when I really want to stay out. Which mix tapes I download. More substantially, what I do with my hair. Who I "talk" to. Who I don't "talk" to. What car I buy. Where I decide to live next year, and in the years to come. All of the aforementioned have been majorly inflienced by someone else, whether or not I asked for input. 15-year-old Kela wouldn't be going for such...

So what does this mean?

It means influence has its role, but it should not dominate any part of your life, at any stage of it.

It means I'm staying in midtown next year (whether I will have roommates is still up in the air), I'm still not dating anyone til after graduation (as if that's not in a month) at the earliest, and I'm getting a relaxer (I will not argue with my hair one more day. Natural hair is another trend, why would I start following them now?)

I would say "sorry," but I just had a lesson in my Spiritual Life class on the perils of false repentance, and since I feel no genuine remorse for any of my plotted decisions, I won't waste words.